Happy Belated Thanksgiving to all!  

A Night at Boston Symphony Hall

   As we were sitting in G26 and G27, our favorite seats, (best compromise with an aisle seat for Jack's legs, great acoustics and a better view of the orchestra and audience) in Symphony Hall the other night, I had several minutes to consider the beauty and the history of the famed Hall.
   I often contemplate why attending the symphony or the POPS concerts is such a rich experience for me.  The combined energies of the orchestra, audience and the Hall provide me with a total emotional, audio, visual and intellectual experience.  A CD or digital experience only gives me a lesser audio experience.  
   Our last particular night in attendance, I did my usual 'people-watching- as the audience hunted for their seats.  I saw such a wonderful diversity, as always.  Racial, ethnic, gender, age, education backgrounds, obvious prosperity, clothing styles, urban, suburban or rural appearances interested me as well.  I had a level of familiarity with some because of more identifiable appearances and a little less familiarity with some observational differences.  
  My varied reactions were stimulating, enriching and definitely enjoyable . 'A little less familiarity or comfort' is not fear-based in my thinking. My thoughts were "another reason I enjoy the Symphony experience is the exposure it gives me to the wonderful human diversities that I'm not as readily exposed to in the rural area I reside.
   I love our small town and our home's rural setting, but also know another part of myself is fed by the diversity and energy found in an urban setting.  
  In theory, the audience I was observing had the commonality of enjoying the symphony no matter our differences.  And then--there are those special musical experiences such as Lang Lang or Garrick Ohlsson making love to the keyboard or the stillness that Andris Nelsons maintains after a particularly moving finis, when collectively the audience is mesmerized.  
  Our political and social climate we live in today, these thoughts were poignant for me.  The desire and capability to explore and find a common ground with our fellow human beings appears challenging to many.  I visually and energetically felt the diversity at the recent  performance and I found it stimulating and exciting to know that we were all sharing an exquisite experience!  It happened to be Elgar's Variations On An Original Theme, Opus 36, "Enigma" (9th-Nimrod in his 14 Variations).  
   I maintain that fear of the unknown or different is crippling because the unknown is not a reality.  My experiences at Symphony Hall always reaffirms my beliefs.  A beauty in all.  

Mother's Gift

Monday,  October 1st.

   

     From my childhood until leaving my home to marry, there was an endearing and comfortable print that hung on my wall.  I accepted it as part of 'me' and in truth, never asked or wondered from where it came. " She" belonged to me.  When I married, I took her with me, moving her with us through graduate school, military, new jobs, and always stored her  carefully.  She  would  be stored with childhood memorabilia I wanted to keep  and I would discover her again while unpacking boxes.  I never could decide where to display her because she didn't 'work' with our other furnishings and decorating.  

   Twenty two years ago, when unpacking once again, I found her and decided I wanted to display her because I still loved her and why not enjoy her.   I had her newly matted and framed but no location in mind.  I moved her a couple of times, exchanging her with other wall art, and finally hung her in our exercise room with warm reds and golds where I could see her at least four or five times a week.  

  When we are not using our fireplace in the warmer months, I put her on a custom made easel and displayed her on the fireplace hearth in our living room.  

  My friend is nameless.  She is a little black girl with a turned up nose, long yellow slicker, red rubbers, carrying an umbrella with a duck head knob.  That yellow slicker and that  dark, cute face always charmed me.  She was cheerful and made me smile.  

  Recently,  a psychic  friend was visiting for the first time and we considered the print.  I shared how special she has always been to me and that she'd hung in my childhood bedroom for as long as I  remember.  Whom hung it there?  Where did she come from?  I never remembered a discussion about her.  She 'just was'.  I'd lie in bed and look at her.  

  My friend 'looked' into the history and told me that indeed, my mother put her there because she wanted me to be exposed to diversity.  "What?!' Upon consideration, I better understood myself and how that one item mother gave to me shaped a fundamental part of who I am.  It also made me contemplate whom my mother was, as I had not before.  There were hints a few times but as a teen, I believe I was more interested in what her comment was, how it related to the conversation and not what her feelings regarding the topic was.

  Mother died too early and I often have wished I'd known  more of her depth.  I knew many of her tangible talents but maybe not her truths.  

  My friend gave me a gift I cherish.  

  

  

'It is what it is'!
  
  In the past couple of years, I've heard and used the phrase, 'It is what it is'.  I understood the concept and the value it could be in ones life, both in mundane experiences as well as situations and relationships of far greater importance. Recently, I was presented with a vehicle that enabled me to understand the true worth of 'It is what it is'.  
  I had been working on a project that required quite a bit of time both because of poor computer speed and the challenges of negotiating the web.  I felt that a delicate balance in my decisions was needed.  For me, that meant excitement, frustration, impatience, and resolution.   After a few weeks, I felt that I had completed the project satisfactorily and awaited an evaluation.   
  The project had to be understandably disbanded but never-the-less was disappointing.  I found myself stating "It is what it is".  
  As I was saying the perfunctory comment, I realized I wasn't feeling angst but a sense of calmness.  That's when I knew I was experiencing an organic understanding of 'It is what it is'.  The beauty of the realization was that I honestly felt acceptance of the disbandment of the project.  I felt an elemental acceptance and was and continue to be grateful for the experience.  
  Another baby step!

Where Have I Been for the Past Few Months?

   I've been lost the past few months.  Lost in contemplation, consideration, and physical pain.
Many of my beloved plants are not as healthy as usual.  My energies influence my plants.  I've
 had the sense that subliminal changes were in progress.  I believe the physical pain was and continues to be a tool my body and spirit have chosen to force me to pay attention to a behavior that undermines my sense of worth.  
   I evidently wasn't ready to address these issues until a few months ago.  I certainly could not communicate what I was considering because I was only nibbling at the cause and resultant effect.  In truth, my trusted 'guru' gave me a two ward 'start'.  
   Self-image.  "Would I be loved and respected revealing my truths?  Would I be valued 'just because?  Whom am I hurting with my fabricated strengths?  They often work well for me and others as well."
   These musings were frustrating in my beginning explorations because I first had to identify what behaviors reflected the suggested 'issue'.  "So what?"
   As I delved into a particular behavior and altered it in my fantasy,  I began to understand how affecting my behavior was to a situation.  Some consequences were satisfactory but often, a more desired result could have occurred.
   Weeks would go by and I would identify more of my behaviors of controlling my self-image in many situations but I wasn't able to grasp the import to my self worth.
   I made the choice to trust that I was identifying a trait that needed to be addressed.  The next baffling step was to pinpoint a tool that I could use to make the needed changes.  I realized that communication with my higher self on this issue was the avenue that best suited me.
   Two weeks ago, spontaneous hugs from casual acquaintance began to happen to me.  In reflection, those were the results of 'listening' to others in those relationships AND without a crafted comportment.  I am grateful for the genuine hugs as they were an organic display of appreciation for my honesty in our relationships.  
   Baby steps lead me forward in my self-discovery.

"I 'got' nothing today"

                                               

 Where am I?  Where have I been and where am I going?  My blog? 

  I desire to return to sharing my cogitations but have not been able to focus and find myself, in these busy last few weeks.  They have been good weeks but in my maturity, I struggle with too much multitasking.  I may accomplish the physical multitasking but not the mental.  My thoughts and introspection are capricious and fickle and I am not able to develop or complete them. 

  I have variant thoughts on a tech company’s recent increased parental leave to a year with pay, ‘black men count’ contrary efforts, rights and privileges without responsibilities, unfettered cell phone use, rude and self-involved behaviors,  parenting adult children and grand-parenting, celebrating a 50 year marriage with Mate, constant reminders to stay out of judgment, and tending to my health as a ‘mature’ Kate. 

 Lots of fodder for consideration but I am unable to crystallize my thoughts because I’m ‘that’ dizzy blonde at this time!

  To illustrate, yesterday I was multitasking and being summoned by Mate as well as being told it was time to put a drop in my eye as part of post-cataract surgery regimen.  5-10 minutes later, I noticed an ugly taste in my mouth and on my lips.  I’d ingested nothing! My conclusion is that I put the drop in my nostril because I often use a nasal spray.   It was several hours before I could be rid of that horrible taste!

  Restless-in-bed last night, thinking that I wanted to express myself on my blog, and frustrated, I got the notion that I could share these feelings.  Surely, we all experience a lack of focus for a variety of reasons and need to be patient with ourselves by tending to our emotional, mental and physical needs.  Perhaps----------------therein lies my cogitations I care to share.  

                                         Thoughts of our old Beautyrest

  Recently, the importance of a good bed became of paramount importance to me.  The surrounding lessons and insights became even more important. 

  Mate and I traveled for 3 weeks and most often were in superb beds!  Wonderful!  As I lay my tired body on our old Simmons when finally home, the muscles in my back were very sore. 

  We have known for a couple of years that the mattress needed to be replaced but didn’t agree on what should replace it.  While it remains important to be able to feel one another’s loving and familiar energy, our age-related sleep challenges can cause sleep deficits for me in particular.  Twin or king instead of our accustomed queen?  They weren’t realistic options because of space and the old mattress continued to develop more lumps and bumps! 

  That first night on our bed after the trip was painful for me and I knew the next day we had to do something about it, pronto!  Forget the research results we had muddled through and our indecisions on all the new technologies and just head out to MACY’s and get the best we could get there. 

  I continued with the very sore back and restless nights and every night as I lay my body on our old Beautyrest, I actually counted how many days until the new mattress would be delivered.   Unfortunately, MACY’s wanted to deliver the mattress the afternoon we had previous plans to hear the Boston POPS and so the delivery had to be postponed.  MACY’s dropped the ball, and never entered the rescheduled time in their books.  Next possibility for delivery was over a week later!  They did compensate us with a $100 gift certificate, which was little compensation for my sore back!  

  Mate suggested we sleep in our guest bedroom.  I never had slept in the room, on the bed, or even on that floor!  I resisted for a couple of nights and then decided we should try it. 

  I put my favorite 400 count sheets on it and took our favorite pillows, our books, Kleenex, nail file, CPAP with me.  Hmmmmm~~~~~~~~~~~ “Feels like we’re on vacation.  Bed feels pretty good, sheets feel great!  I like the shadow the light creates on the edge of that wall.”  We turned the lights out.  “I can see the stars in the skylights and I am not able to see them in our bedroom.  I love that!” 

 The next morning, I was awakened by the early New England sunrise in the skylights and it felt wonderful!  I am a morning person and react positively and quickly to the sun.  I lay there a few minutes and considered the wallpaper and the paint choices that I had made. The Georgia O’Keefe’s prints that I love are on the wall and some antiques that have significance in my life are carefully placed.  I created this room and I love it.  I felt comfortable and excited to be reminded of this lovely room.

  My thoughts of gratitude overwhelmed me.  Certainly, for obvious reasons surrounding the bedroom experience but more profoundly was the realization that I had made what I deemed a miserable situation into a very pleasant and eye-opening experience.  The circumstances surrounding the entire Simmons-replacement-challenge were not in my control. When I was able to ‘let it go’ and accept the circumstances, I could take control and make the experience wonderful.  A minor challenge, letting go of circumstances out of my control, and willingness to ‘move on’ afforded me a more profound lesson to be considered in my future life experiences.

 Mate and I love our new Beautyrest and now know that the last few days of driving several hundred miles was the true culprit in my sore-back problem.